Welcome to Hell... Ehr Austrailia

Editor's Note: While this article isn't technically slanted, nor something we normally publish in our e-zine, it was just too funny to pass up...

This article first appeared over at our affiliates site BKW.

By: Archfiend

I had a person send me some jokes in my email and compliment me on my page. She seemed to be sweet and interesting so I added her on ICQ. We actually didn't really talk for a week or so after I added her. When I found out she was from the Land Down Under I came up with a spur of the moment joke. I played the ignorant American and tried to ask her as many stew-pid questions about Austrailia as possible just to see what she'd say. She was very sweet and looking to educate me with the real scoop on Austrailia. Amazingly I manged to pull this even though she reads the page and knows we do pranks. Her ICQ name was changed to protect Austrailian Sovereignty.. =)

Archfiend: Hey yo Aussie Girl =) (Take note of my smooth opening line..lol)

Cuteaussiegirl: Hi there :) What are you up to? Don't tell me you're bored and I am going to be the butt of a practical joke....hehehe (if this isn't foreshadowing then I don't know what is)

Archfiend: Hehe...nope tho maybe in the future =) Finishing playing some StarCraft..already updated web page..thought I should say hi since I added u and haven't been very social.

Cuteaussiegirl: Oh great. My idea on how to be famous is to add you to icq list and wait! Hehehe...

Archfiend: Lol... =) just give us your recipe for Koala steaks..u guys eat those little bears don't you? (and so it begins)

Cuteaussiegirl: God no!!! you would get killed catching one! Vicious little creatures that urinate on you and scratch like hell (Ok, that's actually more than I wanted to know about Koalas) not as bad as the drop bears though.

Archfiend: A drop bear? What is that? Like an Aborigine?God u guys don't eat them do u? =(

Cuteaussiegirl: Drop bears are the most deadly Australian animal only 1 person has been known to survive an attack by one and they have never managed to capture one (she continually talked about Drop bears throughout this thing and I thought she was trying to return the goof but I have since learned that she believes Drop Bears which are supposed to be some giant Austrailian possums with big teeth are actually real..lol! These are basically the Aussie Equivalent of Snipes)

Archfiend: So are they like really sneaky albinos? Don't
u guys have like albino Aborigines that like steal children and stuff?

Cuteaussiegirl: No the aborigines are like the American Indians they keep to themselves and drink a lot. (I am not responsible for this statement and don't want to hear from any American Indians or aborigines over this :P)

Archfiend: Ah I was getting them confused with dingos..u
have those dingos that keep eating people's babies.

Cuteaussiegirl: Yeah they are just wild dogs.

Archfiend: U guys should get rid of them for eating all
those babies...

Cuteaussiegirl: Nobody worries about them but the drop bears are so bad that people don't really go camping over here.

Archfiend: Drop bears...do they like get attracted to people's vegimite sandwiches and stuff? I heard about those in a song...(had to get in a Men at Work Reference somewhere)

Cuteaussiegirl: You cant camp in unpopulated areas here if there are trees. (Geezus I was joking around but seriously if you scared to get near any where with trees because some kind of psychopathic possum is going to eat you alive it's time to move)

Archfiend: Because of the sandwiches? Why is that?

Cuteaussiegirl: You ask any aussie about drop bears and they will all be really really scared. I've never heard of them being attracted to sandwiches.

Archfiend: Is it dangerous over there? I heard that that there's a lot of criminals in Austrailia?

Cuteaussiegirl: Criminals anywhere you go the most dangerous criminals we have are the white collar millionaires.

Archfiend: Hey we have stuff in the us called chocolate...it's really good =) we could probably send u guys some..U'd want to import it =)

Cuteaussiegirl: Rofl.....you americans all think we are a backward country the only chocolate you have that we don't is peanut butter m&ms.

Archfiend: We have indoor plumbing too..have they got
that over there yet or are they still using outhouses? I have a cousin in West Virginia mountains who just got indoor plumbing and it made me feel bad for people in foreign countries.

Cuteaussiegirl: LOL...bit hard to have sky scrapers with outside dunnies (Dunnies? I like that word. I have to go to the dunny, I will be right back =)

Archfiend: Oh and I was watching this wildlife show with
this crazy Aussie on it and he was like handling poisonous snakes..do u guys all do that? You shouldn't it could be dangerous for u =(

Cuteaussiegirl: We have an affinity for reptiles out of the worlds 10 most poisonous snakes we have 7 of them. We have a lot of pythons that anyone can handle they are often found in houses as for the others they come into our yards occasionally but very rarely do people die from snake bite here the flying doctors always carry anti-venom. (Poisonous snakes? Pythons in your house? Maybe Austrailia does suck..blah :P)

Archfiend:I heard and he was picking em up and stuff..do they like crawl around your house? Sounds dangerous

Cuteaussiegirl: You sound like you dont believe me about drop bears....

Archfiend: If it doesn't show up on Google I don't believe it exists =) oh and do you guys like wrestle gators and stuff all the time like Paul Hogan? He makes it look like everyone does it in Austrailia. (Wouldn't you want Paul Hogan to represent your entire country?)

Cuteaussiegirl: Hahaha....only idiots even attempt it. Those bloody things eat you.

Archfiend: Oh and what do kangaroos taste like? Are they good?

Cuteaussiegirl: Not bad...depends on how they are cooked I dont like emu but crocodile tastes great.

Archfiend: Do the albinos like look in your windows and stuff? It must be scary to live in Austrailia =( (I'm really not sure where I even came up with the idea that Austrailia is riddled with Albinos =)

Cuteaussiegirl: I dunno, we dont have grizzly bears that eat tourists, we dont have rattle snakes, we dont have incredible traffic jams we dont have smog alerts or bad smog....hehehe

Archfiend: Ya but Austrailians are such violent people..throwing boomerangs at each others, wrestling dingos and gators, fighting albinos....I would want to live somewhere safer like IRAQ or IRAN.

Cuteaussiegirl: Haahahaha.....and do yanks still carry around a six shooter on each hip?

Archfiend: Yah that's legal here (I actually wasn't joking, you can carry a concealed weapon legally here in North Carolina).

Cuteaussiegirl: LOL

Archfiend: It is legal here...but Austrailia is dangerous...I'd much rather be shot than dragged off to be eaten alive by albino cannibals.

Cuteaussiegirl: PM hahaha....the nearest cannibals are in the PNG islands and head hunting season is only for 4 months (They actually have cannibals nearby? Gawd Austrailia really does blow...I started this just joking but...)

Archfiend: There ya go..headhunters, everyone there
descended from criminals...I heard vegimite is made of people...it's a terrifying place to live.

Cuteaussiegirl: You should come over and visit

Archfiend: Too too scary...no chocolate..pooping
outside..dingos stealing your kids....cannibals....killer snakes and boomerangs flying everywhere..u people are nuts

Cuteaussiegirl: Hahaha.

Archfiend: Scary scary place to live.

Cuteaussiegirl: You're a nut:)

Archfiend: I'm going to put all of that on my site I think..will have to see how the history looks with the dopey American talking to the Aussie =)

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6.) Welcome to Hell... Ehr Australia - Archfiend