How to Hax0r1z3 your toaster

posted onJune 28, 2000

by hitbsecnews

I betcha didn't even know it was possible to hax0rize your toaster! Well
think again, cause I'm about to show you how.

So
you wanna be 31337 and hax0r your toaster, eh? Follow these few simple
steps and you'll be hax0ring toasters before you know it!

Before
you can begin though, you'll first need to find out the brand of your
toaster. This step is very important. The brand is usually printed
on the left hand side of the toaster in an undecipherable language or
label. Here is a short guide to the various toasters available:

WANG

Comment:
Dont attempt to hax0r this sorta toaster.

Specs:
One slice of lightly warmed toast every 24 hours

Overclocking:
No.

IBM

Comment:
Good Toaster, needs updates and patches alot.

Specs:
One slice of decent toast every coupla minutes

Overclocking:
A bit.

CELERON

Comment:
Very cheap toaster, small crumb tray. Crumb tray is normally 1/4 to 1/2
of PENTIUM III.

Specs:
One slice of decent toast every coupla minutes

Overclocking:
Very overclockable

PENTIUM
I/II/III

Comment:
Reliable toaster, larger crumb tray. Few bug fixes.

Specs:
One slice of decent toast every coupla minutes

Overclocking: A bit less than the CELERON

COMMODORE/ATARI/TRS80/BBC/IBM
XT

Comment:
Fucked toaster, no crumb tray. Spits shit everywhere. No website, SMALL
memory and usually very old.

Specs:
Erm.. Toast?

Overclocking:
None - only underclocking available.

CRAY

Comment:
VERY, VERY expensive toaster. One slice of toast every of a second, upgraded
every 2 hours. Molecular info of the toast needs to be sent to the pentagon.

Specs:
Erm.. Very fast.

Overclocking:
VERY much so.

LINUX

Comment:
Can make 256 slices of toast at once with a 486 chip.

Specs: Very open.

Overclocking:
Why would you NEED to?

WINDOWS

Comment:
Even more expensive than Cray. Needs 14 service packs. Only working version
is the second release, which you need to purchase.

Specs:
Tighter than Bill Gates...

Overclocking:
Heh, it can't even run at its normal speed

CARDBOARD
BOX

Comment:
Free. Faster than windows.

Specs: Light Brown

Overclocking:
Has been known to ignite easily.

Alright
so now that you've got a short list of toasters and you've got your brand
name in hand here's HOW you start hax0ring it.

Open
your toaster up. Locate the fibre-optic cable. Plug this into your laser
pen, hook laser pen up to fridge. Connect fridge up to kermpewder. Turn
kermpewder on. The kermpewder should have the prompt 'READY' and a flashing
box. This box is your toaster and it is waiting for your kermands.

Enter
the following kermands:

YOU> oi

TOASTER>
what?

YOU>
i whunt j00 to be r3al 31337!

YOU>
preese. preese?

TOASTER>
0k. 1 am r3al 3l1t3 & H0m13 9 n0w.

WHAT
HAPPENED?

You
have cunningly inspired your toaster to be real 31337 now. It is in your
complete control.

I
DONT WANNA USE MY KERMPEWDER TO TALK TO IT!

Simple.
Threaten it with water, and show it what you did to your last toaster.
Watch out next munf, for how to hax0rize your... TELEVISION

-
[SANiTY]

1.)
OsReview
: Mandrake Linux 7.0 Deluxe -
L33tdawg