Hi! I'm dead... and I'm an alien

In
a flash I jumped screaming and crashing out the plate glass window of
the speeding bus doing a paratrooper roll to break my fall as I landed
on the wayside in a cloud of dust. I got onto my shaky feet again and
tried vehemently to regain my lost composure by doggedly chanting my mantra:

A dead alien is someone who does not subscribe to the normal, establishment-approved
ways of doing things, despises everything 'mainstream', socially 'acceptable'
and politically correct, rejects the choice of the 'majority' while constantly
striving to break free of the staid hierachial authoritarian mindset of
the ruling powers-that-be and their diabolical efforts to turn the masses
into sheep-like followers towing the 'morally upright' party line.

Hence dead to the stale ideas of the self-righteous pricks who think they
know what's 'best' and wishing to remain alienated from all things 'popular',
commercially viable and therefore 'right' in the eyes of the public.

Fwoarrgempak
intro or what!

This
is a series of firsts for me. This is the first time I've been invited
to write an article and the first time been invited to write for a web
mag and the first time I've been invited to write about no particular
topic, focus not necessary, with no word ceiling to adhere to. In fact,
this piece isn't even going to be edited. (probably not going to be read
by anyone, either) Fuuucck!. See? No fucking editing! My fucking kind
of fucking magafuckingzine!! [I feel like the kids in South Park, when
they were allowed to let their tongues loose in the movie version of the
show]

OK,
now that I've got my quota of expletives down, [this is, after all, the
de rigeur requirement of any underground web-zine - the actual quota being
two 'fucks' per sentence, plus a couple of fuckwords in a foreign language,
preferably Cantonese (sounds ruder)] I can now actually start to unfocus
on the non-topic at hand [?] I was scanning the other articles in this
zine [fooscaanning maan!- cyberword!] especially the "Stoopid-ass Mind"
thang by whatsisnick and figured I'd write about three of the favourite
things on every dead alien's mindlist : sex, drugs and rawkn'roull [try
shouting this with the opening riff of 'Whole Lotta Love' on at max vol.--
highly therapeutic] And, I could title this piece [of crap] :-

"If
I Had My Way"

Let's do this Tarantino style and start in the middle I've consumed every
imaginable drug on the black market [my favourite being a heroin/cannabis mix-I'm your old-skool narchead] and every possible alcoholic concoction
[my fave being Stairway Boilermakers - one shot JD, one pint Tiger and
a doubleshot Mariachi salt n'lime then repeated until the guitar intro
and finale of the Zep track plays automatically in your mind].

If I had my way, I'd recommend that everyone ingest every addictive drug
possible and to the max and paar-tay every chance you get, for as long
as your brain can handle it. Loosen your ass and charge-up your pathetic
little geekish mind with the experience of better living thru' chemistry.
Thangs go better with coke, G! AND THEN, just before entering the fry
and die stage [what? You thought you could party on like this without
ever having to die from it?], you seek proper treatment and therapy then
join an appropriate Twelve-step support group and live completely clean
and sober thereafter. Why?

It's
a well known fact that it's absolutely MEGA-trendy to say, "Yeah, maan,
I've been there, done all that and thus, I know where IT is AT (y'all).
I am experienced, Jimi, but now I'm clean and cool and still alive! And
to break the cool-meter, drive that fucking pointer off the scale, I also
belong to this elite club of street-wise minds who have also been there,
done that but are now fresh and sharp and meet regularly to share their
vast experience and are absolute MEGA-trendy because of it! I am of the
strongest opinion that living booze and drug-free without actually having
experienced first-hand what these mind-expanding chemicals can do for
you is about as deep as anyone can bury their heads up their ass.

What I'm trying to say is, try it all for experience sake, enable yourself
to 'see things' from many angles, but know how and when to get out- that's the part that separates the cool from the dead. The rock from the rolled
over. Which brings me to the next item on the agenda. I despise MTV. If
I had my way, I'd like it separated into three channels: MTV Kick-ass
[with music selections by Mike Judge and Liam Howlett]; MTV Dangdut and
other Crap; and MTV Absolute Dickless Boybands. There is also a radio
station which deserves to be nuked: the one that plays 'nothing but (the
same) hits (repeated over and over till you puke) 24 hrs a day' There
should be a law passed that states: "All pimply, pre-pubescent, don't-know
what-real-music-is, adolescent females between the ages of 11 to 17 are
hereby banned from listening to, and requesting for music on any media;
failure to comply will result in a court order demanding your ear drums
be surgically removed." This will eradicate demand for all groups which
can't sing or play instruments themselves, thereby eliminating supply
of such groups. Imagine-all groups with boys being exiled to the backstreets,
and wiped off the face of the earth like smallpox! Utopia!

Legislation
must also be passed stating that hit music radio and TV programmers be
ordered to undergo an intensive "re-education" programme (modeled along
the lines of the Khmer Rouge system) conducted by Fatboy Slim. And to
have my way, I'm going to stand for Parliamentary elections next time
around. I'll register myself under the 'Parti Tendang Juboh' banner. I
can visualise the party logo right now. Undilah PTJ! [for the benefit
of the worldwide web audience avidly enjoying this highly intelligent
essay, tendang means kick and juboh means assactually it means anus but
lets not get retentive here shall we?]

Speaking
of kicking ass; it is my profound opinion that KL chicks kick ass! My
city's chicks can kick your city's chicks asses any day! Every day on the way to and from work I encounter some of the most absolutely stunning
specimens- on the bus, along the streets, driving past in cars and in
my office too. The way they dress, the way they walk, the way they cross
and uncross their legs as they sit, the way their clothes cling to their
curves, accentuating their delicious firm breasts and perfectly rounded
bums; and the way they know they are being watched but act as if they
don't. Absolute kick ass, baybee! Now if only I COULD GET SOME!!! Imagine,
sitting on the LRT next to some mega-solid babe and just reaching discreetly
over and feeling her out! I mean just reaching out and gently massaging
a handful of that smooth, firm, perfumed thigh and she leans over and
whispers "Yessmoreharder!", and then invites you over to her place. ms
Imagine, this could actually come true if everyone co-operated.

If
people loosened up and altered their attitudes on what is supposedly 'morally
upright'. As long as both parties consented and nobody gets hurtwhat >
would be wrong with that? If only they let us all have our way, this would
be the norm! LRTs and buses would be a petting orgy on wheels! Sales of
prepaid bus cards would go orbital! The term 'Touch & Go' would take on
a whole new dimension! Instead of buses having destinations displayed
on the front, the current number of chicks not sitting next to anyone
would be seen instead. But no, we have to do it the hard way, we have
to think of witty pick-up lines, we have to talk around the subject, then
go to dinner, buy flowers, spend more moneyand then we still are unsure
if we are gonna score, if ever.

If
I had my way and we all changed our perception, the accepted norm would
be, "Hi there gorgeous. Look, we all need sex. It's a natural human need.
You need it, I need it, so lets not waste any more time and tension and just go dutch on a hotel room and fuck!" The other day, I was standing
on the bus home when my eyes chanced upon one of the most incredibly gorgeous
women I had ever seen; just sitting a few feet away. She looked as if
she'd just stepped off a Robert Palmer video - those prominent cheekbones,
those pouting lips, those dazzlingly large eyes, that aquiline nose- my
eyes didn't even bother checking out the rest of her, she was that beautiful.
As luck would have it, the person sitting next to her got off and I almost
leapt at the empty seat. I decided to shore up all the courage and bravery,
leaned over and said, "Umm, I don't usually speak to strangers on the
bus but I just have to say that you are the most beautiful person I have
ever seen", it was genuine, my face showed it in the sheer honest fascination
of my gaze. Her eyes met mine, she batted those long eyelashes and said,
"Why, thank you darling, you're so kind. You can call me Lola.Can I take
you home?"

It
was the deepest, most macho voice I had ever the misfortune to hear.

"You'll love it", as his hand slid up my thigh .

I
screamed.

1.)
My stoopid ass mind (part 1 - Beer, cigarettes & friends)
- Kikkoman

2.)
Network ports -
L33tdawg

3.)
My stoopid ass mind (part 2 - Work,
handphones & people) - Kikkoman

4.)
Black book of AFS -
nicnoc

5.)
How to fake e-mail -
L33tdawg

6.)
Hi! I'm dead and I'm an alien -
deadalien